“You’ve GOT to be kidding me” spits the Jerk we went to lunch with as I snap a photo of my delicious meal.
Too shocked to respond, the Jerk’s wife defends “No, he has a food blog, he takes pictures of everything he eats!”
I already hate him.
As we enjoy our vegetarian Indian feast, I ponder two things. Which item will wreck the most havoc on my bowels and how do I rid myself of the paparazzi hating fiend at the end of the table, making everyone’s life misery.
I have a plan.
As he gets up to use the restroom, I spot a can of Ajax sitting on the window sill, conveniently next to his seat, taunting me.
I’ve never killed anyone before, I was nervous.
Yet amply ready.
I’ll never forget when I first moved to LA ten years ago and, at a pool party at my apartment building, I made the joke “I killed a man once”, lowering my voice for dramatic affect.
“REALLY??” gasped my current roommate.
Surprised anyone took me seriously, I told him I was kidding.
“You have a SICK sense of humor” he said, disgustingly.
Everyone at the table laughed, including myself.
Now, I was about to take the leap and cause the death of a human being.
And was more concerned about finishing my meal, than finishing him.
As I pointed out the window, yelling “Look Mary, you’re getting a parking ticket” and everyone looks away from the table, I dump a large portion of Ajax into his Soy Tikka Massala and quickly mix it in.
At first I’m concerned he’ll feel the grit and then I realize the entire dish is gritty, so I’m promptly relieved.
When Jerk arrives back from the bathroom (and I feel my own stomach begin to gurgle) he dives into his bleachy last meal.
I begin to sweat as I chow down on my veggie meatball Korma, and it’s not just that it was spicy.
Before I know it, he’s finished his bowl and begins to cough and spit.
And, of course, dies.
The ambulance arrives about 20 minutes later, futilely attempting to resuscitate Jerk.
No one suspects a thing, thankfully.
As we are led away from the now closed Bawarchi, in tears, I decide that I will never kill again.
Unless that person decides to mock Bun Boy.
If you believe my blog has “jumped the shark”, then you are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!
10408 Venice Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232