Where did I leave off? I’m currently freezing in an apartment by the beach in Venice and scared to turn on the heat as I fear I may burn the place down. Which may or may not be worth it, my fingers are so frozen. Yes, it’s LA and I’m a wimp.

Because my mother is a gardening enthusiast, I thought we should check out Portland’s famous Rose Garden. Not sure if that’s the name of it, but I thought it should be capitalized. Deal with it.

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Very pretty and calm there. We took an obscene amount of rose closeup shots, I’ll only show two. There was some kind of disease which was creating spots on all the flowers so we didn’t have many lovely roses to model for us. You just can’t find good, disease-free models these days!

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After doing the old people, touristy thing, we needed a change. Something completely different.

BACON FEST!

I mean, come on! After a cheese festival? We kind of had to check it out!

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At first it seemed like a pretty mild street fair. Street being one block. We got a picture with a walking piece of bacon as one would, grabbed a bacon bloody mary and some bacon pops! They were coated in maple and some kind of spice!

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After spending an hour picking the fat off, we decided to to try YET ANOTHER FESTIVAL!

Welcome to the Greek Festival, where the church apparantly not only encourages drinking, but don’t you dare share your drinks with the outside world!

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After being scolded for trying to view some Greek dancing with our beers cuz it was out of bounds and then drooling over everyone and their big fat greek mother munching on these little honey donut balls, we got the heck back to the Bacon Fest!

Hold onto your stomach folks. We have a bacon eating contest. However, not your typical shove bacon strips down the ole gullet as fast you can. This was just seeing if you can finish the nasty bacon coated creations prepared for you.

In the beginning, it was simple. A BLT.

Then, bacon salt coated marshmellow Peeps. Naturally.

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Then, there was a bacon donut, a bacon wrapped banana and a bacon sundae! I took a picture of a woman of questionable gender eating her sundae in…reverse. I decided NOT to include that here.

What next? Dinner! Well no, not yet. We did some other stuff, I’m sure. Just can’t think of what…

For pre-dinner drinks, we went to a place called Beaker and Flask, a restaurant/bar known for it’s creative alcoholic concoctions. I ordered some watermelon vodka lime and pepper drink and Risque got some kind of adult Orange Julius. We appreciated that the drinks were all made with the utmost care, using eye droppers and pestles.

After feeling fine, we decided to smash into the car behind us. Oh no, sorry. Risque didn’t do that on purpose, oops. As I politely suggested “LET’S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!” we headed to dinner.

Dinner at Pok Pok is a treat. Anything with an HOUR WAIT had darn well better be.

Pok Pok has been written up a million times as one of the top Thai restaurants in the US and was just on that Food Network Show “Diners, Drive-In’s and Dive’s”

While it was neither of those things, Pok Pok’s menu is completely different from a normal Thai menu. No Pad Thai, no curry dishes. They take all the typical Thai ingredients and make their own insanely good, original creations from them.

While we waited we enjoyed a few drinks outside. Including a salted plum whiskey sour and a plum wine and soda.

When we were finally seated, properly intoxicated (The best seat in the house, the waitress told us) we ordered another salted plum drink and our food right away.

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As much as were wanted to order everything on the menu, after our day of eating, we had to be sensible. So we ordered some chicken wings. THE BEST WINGS ON THE PLANET. There is a glaze on them, that I believe they import from Mars or something. It’s..ugh….I hate this expression but…it’s RETARDED GOOD.

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After enjoying our religious experience and basking for a bit in the aftermath, (Has anyone uttered “These are so freaking good” that many times before?) we needed something sweet.

Voodoo Donuts.

Well, yes. But not yet!

We headed to the Saphire Room for some hot drinks. Risque had some muddled wine and I had the pumpkin buttered rum. Mine was basically desert.

And it was like someone had put sleeping pills in both of our drinks.

But we weren’t going to bed until we had our donut fix!!

It’s open all night. It reminded me of an old Denny’s turned community center, and then the goth kids in town killed all the adults and took over, put fake coffins and chandelier’s in there and served disgusting-looking and suggestively-titled donuts!

I had to order this donut when the lady with the raven-coloured hair covering her eyes told me through her lip piercing that it was called “Princess Vomit”

How can you pass up the opportunity to order any food item when that word is involved??

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The next morning we needed a little excercise. So, we walked a few blocks to breakfast, through a really cute neighborhood.

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We had breakfast at a Swedish place called Broder. As we waited for our table, looking out into the grey sky, we kept making “Broder und Seester” jokes. I’m sure the entire restaurant would have chuckled if they were in earshot, we were THAT amusing.

I ordered the Swedish Hash. The portions were tiny (we had a small piece of toast cut into four, inch-sized squares. But just like The Cars song, It was just what we needed.

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It appears that butter ball is as big as our toast! Not far from the truth.

We decided to drive to Mt. Hood and the Hood River to check out some falls. I won’t spell the name, I’ll show you the name in a picture. Lazy.net.

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After enjoying nature and crap, we wanted beer. Oh look, the Full Sail Brewery!

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We took a tour of the bewery, learning that Portland has the most brewerys in the entire world, way surpasing Germany. We also tasted some barley and got a free EMPTY glass. Yeah.

Feeling teased, we scooted to the Big Horse Brewing Company.

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Oh, and we had some lunch too.

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All in all, I feel we ate and drank our way sufficiently through Portland. Risque, thank you so much for letting me crash (I’ll send you my chiropractic bill) and for being the perfect tour guide! Portland is a fantastic city, filled with real people.

I’m sure Portland’s Chamber of Commerce will be knocking down my door asking for permission to use that exact description. And you know what? They can have it. That’s just the type of guy I am.